- Stephen Nichol
Loading Screech Guide - HOW TO BE A PROGRAMMER
The lovers, the motorbikes, the haemorroids - who doesn't want to be a programmer?
Find out how with this handy guide.
Things you will need:
#01. Books You might think the opposite is true and you don't need them but, even if you are fluent in C++ or Python, books make you look more intellectual. Make sure they relate to programming, as a copy of the latest Papier Maiche Man graphic novel just won't do it for you. With a little scissor work, a nice thick book could be hollowed out to hide snacks, or even a small handheld console.
#02. Snacks Forget about normal office hours, programming is a big commitment, and you won't be making it home in time for tea with that release date for your software fast approaching. Avoid anything like nuts if you are working in the same room as your colleagues. Otherwise, you might want to swing past the local leisure centre and pick up a jumbo bag of nose pegs on the way to work.
#03. Haemorroid Cream Most programming is done sitting down so, after a few months on your posterior you might well start to develop problems in this area of your anatomy. Just remember to apply the cream in private - these days everyone seems to have a camera phone.
#04. Spectacles These props will help you look the stereotypical part. Also useful for reading the dodgy smallprint on software contracts, and starting camp fires following attacks from extraterrestrials or rampant gamers demanding solutions that consequently leave your offices without power.
#05. Framed Photo Okay, maybe you're married, maybe you're single - either way, this is your route to all the days you want off. Just make sure you got the frame from a shop your boss doesn't go to, or he'll realise that really is a bunch of supermodels grinning like lunatics in the image (obviously if you got lucky and married a supermodel, this doesn't apply - you lucky sod!).
#06. Writing Pad Naturally, this is for sketching sprites, designing levels, doing your maths and all that other intellectual stuff. Also comes in handy for a real-life game of paper-toss.
#07. Pillow Useful for your head or bum, just don't swap over too soon after the latter if you've just devoured a tub of microwaveable baked beans.